Reflecting on Intentions Versus Commitments
Happy Spring!! It’s a hopeful time and while I’m not dealing with Minnesota snow dumps, I’m noticing I’m having a bit of a melancholy bump. So, this morning, I finally stopped trying to “fix” my mood and got curious. Oh, my dear friend journaling has supported me again. Here is a little of what surfaced. I hope it is useful for you!
Lent is my favorite ritual season. And this year, the first 30 days has definitely felt like a wander in the desert (although it’s lush and green and the birds are singing!). What I mean, is that I’m noticing a bit of a dead feeling, not the enlivened sense I normally get by being firmly planted in conscious Lenten actions each day. I’m a bit parched. Lent for me is a time to be conscious, to notice, to be aware of my thoughts, feelings, and actions, which can be like water to the parched tongue. I don’t focus so much on suffering, but what I can learn about myself in relationship to all that is around me (nature, relationships, self-love, etc.) through conscious action. It’s a time for me to look inward and notice what is happening – where is the murkiness of living weighing on me? What are the ways I’m living that are actually dragging me down? Maybe dragging my relationships down? Maybe dragging the planet or racial equity down? It’s a time to get present, to wrestle with the feelings that arise – to befriend them, to welcome them. It’s not a fun place to be, unless of course I don’t judge them. 😊
I almost started writing that the murkiness of life got in the way of my true nature – joy! But that would be judging one as good and the other as bad. I don’t believe that to be true. Maybe the drudge of feelings (confusion, unsettled, lonely, anxious) isn’t holding me back, but waving a flag at me. “Hey you! Slow down a bit, quit making shit up about me! I’m just a feeling! Get quiet, sit, be with me, listen to me, please get to know me. I don’t want to be your enemy; I’m just trying to give you a message.” That’s when ‘desert time’ comes in handy. To really listen, we sometimes need to quiet down all the stimulation, even the stimulation that might seem like it is doing good. What is it like to be present, in this moment, with just THIS moment. This moment, with this feeling, with this thought…and return to breath?
So what does any of this have to do with intention and commitment? Well, while writing I realized something a colleague said to me lately has something to do with my lethargy. She was talking about some work we are doing for an offsite team retreat. She said she wanted the team members to get very clear on the difference between an intention and a commitment. An intention is your hope to do something. (For example, I have good intentions about living a no-buy Lent.) A commitment is when we act on our intention. Commitment is only secured through action. I started thinking about my Lenten practice and wondered whether I was really committed, or was I just setting intentions? Yikes! Ok, so I have good intentions but wasn’t really up for full on commitment. And then I remembered, it’s about practice. Each day, each hour, each moment, we get to begin again. As I take an action to not buy sparkling water (definitely not essential), to skip the cute notebook (not essential – but oh so darling!), I start to feel more alive, not suffering. I’m committed to something. Something that makes me more aware of my habits. And when I slip and have that gluten free raspberry bar from the Tough Cookie Bakery, I reflect on the feelings, the intent, and what in that moment I am committed to – without judgment.
You can see I’m still wading around in lots of murky ground and my thoughts are still being shaped. But it feels good to be committed to vulnerability and to share this…with the hope that someone, besides myself, gains an insight or learning.
Thanks for reading. And please share any comments – I’m committed to learning! 😊