Listening is Loving
Photo by Lori Gola.
Do you really listen? I mean, full-on, 100% attentive listening? Most of us don’t, even when we think we do.
I teach a coaching class for a global company and every time we get to the “Active Listening” section, most of them think they do a pretty good job at listening. Then they take the listening assessment and a lot of them take a deep gulp and say, “I guess I don’t listen as well as I thought.” I think we all might be in that camp, whether it be as co-workers, parents, lovers, siblings, friends, spouses, or community members.
Active listening has often been taught as making eye contact, paraphrasing, and nodding to show you are listening. It is that, and so much more. If that is all you did, would you really be listening? Deep listening is done in a way where the person speaking feels understood, valued and acknowledged. You don’t just listen to understand their words, which is often what we do when listening with a problem-solving hat on. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought this a good time to share some listening tips that can show those around you that you really care about them. And yes, that you love them. Listening is loving.
Body Language: Listen to their body language… and ask what it means.
Are you paying attention? Do you see they just recoiled a bit, or started scratching their head, or looked down? You most likely have, and you make things up like, “They don’t want to talk about this.” “They are feeling embarrassed.” You may be right, and you may not be. So, one thing might be to say, “I just noticed you scratched your head and leaned back, I’m curious what you are thinking?”
Intention: Listen underneath the words for their intention… and ask for their perspective.
What is the person’s intention under what they are saying? Are they trying to ask you for something but not being direct? Do they want advice or just a sounding board? Do they really want to debate that topic, or are they trying to have an intimate conversation with you? Again, you don’t really know without asking, so it might sound like, “It sounds like things are difficult for you at work with Julie. Are you looking for some advice, or would you just like me to listen and provide you a space to air your concerns? Either way, I’m here to support you.”
Values: Listen to the values underneath their words… and acknowledge them.
What is important to the person you are talking with? What do you hear in what they are sharing with you? What’s important to them? Let’s say you are discussing politics and you have a different opinion. Do you listen to respond, or do you listen to hear what the person really values? Perhaps you are making up in your head what they value based on your own opinions. If you listen to hear what they value, versus listening to respond, you open a space in the conversation to honor the person. It might sound like, “It sounds like being judicious with money and time are values of yours and something that is really important to you as we look at X issue.” Pointing to what you hear as their values can go a long way. But don’t be attached to your assessment because they might tell you it’s a different value than you heard. Thank them and keep listening.
Airtime: Listen all the way to the end of what they say.
If you do this there should be some airtime before you respond or ask a question. If you are thinking about how to respond, you are most likely not really listening to them - and it shows!
Questions: Listen so intently that your questions arise from their words.
Questions are a great way to show you’ve listened. Listening with follow-up questions, based on what the person said (not what you are thinking in response), not only shows you are listening, but shows you want to be in a deeper conversation and know more about what the person is thinking. This could sound like, “How was work today?” “It was great!” “That’s good. What happened that made it a great day for you?” Notice how you take one of the words (“great”) and go deeper. Not only does it often take the conversation deeper, but it also helps the person sharing be clearer about their own thoughts.
Ask more questions, do less talking. Listening is loving.
Ready to be a better listener? Go ahead, choose one of the listening strategies above. Try it on for a week, or maybe with a particular person. (Yes, of course, I want you to choose the difficult person in your life. ☺) Notice what happens, not only in them, but in yourself. At first it may feel awkward, and possibly for the person you are listening to. But it is just like any uncomfortableness that comes with learning. And I can almost assure you that the person will feel more seen, more valued, more loved. And you will feel more loving.
Yes, I do believe the quality of our listening shows the quality of our love.